Personal Mental Health Journey

Name: Sandra Dragūnė

Date of Birth: 25/10/1989

Origin: Klaipėda, Lithuania

Part of British community: Since 2010

Occupation: Unemployed, despite excellent CV 

Mental Health Status: Three official mental health breakdowns

Official Title Across Neighbourhood Community: The Crazy Lithuanian 

 

 

I am who I am, but I am judged now because of my mental health recent breakdowns despite thirteen years of dedication to my career here in the United Kingdom.

I am hard worker, honest and respectful towards every single colleague I worked with back in Lithuania and here in the United Kingdom.

Why I choose to talk about my experience? Because, even in Britain, the country of dreams for many people, discrimination is very big part of every day life. Especially when you are nobody for people with wealth and power. You are just a number, by the default. 

Quite big statements, isn't? Well, the good news is, that I am free to talk about my personal experience, but you can have your own points of views, which you are entitled to. 

Where do you start talking about yourself, so you would understand better about my stubbornness and extreme discipline of mine towards anything I do? 

My upbringing I guess. I was born in 1989, the decade of unknown to all Lithuanian people. But let's start where the joy with "USSR Union" began.

USSR and Lithuanian Relationship Beginning

Lithuania never joined the Soviet Union and very few Lithuanians were communists. Lithuania was illegally occupied and annexed by the Soviet Union in 1940 using coercion and the presence of the Soviet military force.

However at that time, people believed, that Lithuania choose to join the "USSR Union". It was the 'Official' propaganda and 'Facts' those days to the World Leaders, and nobody argued that this actually wasn't the case. Why bother to learn about true Lithuanian occupation facts in 1940? Because to this date, Lithuania is a very small country, with no power or say in anything they do. Because one way or the other, Lithuanian government will follow everything the 'Big Boys' will say to this day (USA, UK, European Union Government etc.). Just to be absolute clear this is my personal opinion.

 

Even though I started with a super big statements, I personally believe, that the only one time in recent times, the Lithuanian government was actually listening to their own people was in 1989. Sadly, as currently I hear, it was only that time to this date.

 

"On the 23rd August 1989, two million people held hands to form a human chain over 600 kilometres long linking three capital cities - Tallinn in Estonia, Riga in Latvia and Vilnius in Lithuania.

This peaceful political demonstration became known as "The Baltic Way"".

 

Lithuania gain independence from the "USSR Union" - 11th March 1990.

Lithuanian nationalists took the repudiation of the Brezhnev Doctrine as a signal that a declaration of independence might be accepted. On 11th March 1990, Lithuania declared that it was an independent nation, THE FIRST of the Soviet republics to do so.
 
Critical Thinking
Now, enough of the historical facts and let's stop and think for a minute. Imagine, you are a Lithuanian, who for 50 years have been part of the "USSR Union" and you suddenly become the first nation of all "USSR Union" "members" to say no, we are now demanding to quit your bullshit "Union" and be independent? 
 
Nobody at that time believed, it was possible, but here - as little as we are as a nation to this day, we Lithuanian common people proved the impossible - possible then. I believe that even the government at that time, thought - let's try this, let's "UNITE" and let's say to a big juicy evil to fuck off, and deal with any outcome after.
 
So here, 30 years after these dramatic, but inspiring events to me, Lithuanian government still could't create a clear plan to their people, of what the Lithuania actually is and made an easy choice to join the "European Union". The Lithuania  joined the EU on the 1st May 2004. And to this date Lithuania is a little country in other "Union", and follows any laws created by the "European Union", and not their own government as we have less than 2.795 million population. It makes perfect sense when you know, that your nations budget equals to nothing, so you effectively join the 'Big Boy's Team' to start borrowing cash flow. Unfortunately, this doesn't benefit a common or working class, especially retired people.
 
Critical thinking
Obviously, it is all about the money, reputation and fake safety promises in the end of the day. Or the same bullshit on the other hand.  And nobody cares how  Lithuanian grandmothers or grandfather actually are surviving on their silly pension. I will not go into the details, but it is just fucked up (do your own research if you don't believe me).
 
Anyways, why I have included so much political bullshit into my personal journey? 
Because it is a fundamental information, to understand, that the decade I was born, will define my mental health traumas which I am dealing to this date.
I am undergoing mental health treatment with the United Kingdom NHS psychologists, psychiatrists and using antipsychotics  before the bed time so my brains would actually go to "rest" on daily basis. 
 
I will not talk about my upbringing and my disciplined childhood, because this period of my memories, are personal to me. And my points of views at that time, where coming from a little human body. Meaning, that my thoughts and my behaviour with my parents were two different worlds. Because I was scared to open myself up and explain to my parents how I was actually feeling. I learned to be Sandra with my parents and their rules, and Sandra which is a free soul and can came across as rebel and cool around my own age human beings. Worth mentioning, that at the moment I have a factual mental status across my family and friends, and they indeed also keeps safe distance between ourself due to perfectly understandable reasons. 
 
In 2010 I left my artistic upbringing in one week. I left my birth country which I never had ideas leaving due to economical issues, but I followed my heart and left it for a boy. 
 
I was and I am to this day very independent person. However when it was time for the first time to tell my parents no, I will not follow what you wish me to follow career wise, it was the most dreadful last memory about Lithuanians capital Vilnius and Mezzo-Soprano career in the beginning of white winter in 2009. 
 
I remember that day my parents organised a meeting with a famous Lithuanian opera singing coach (I have this thing, I don't remember famous people names, I just know their stories, so pardon me) who at that time was coaching in Spain. My parents organised the meeting with him while he was on holidays and visiting Lithuania. It was a massive day for me, as I already was speaking with a boy from the internet about possibility to come and meet him for the first time in Birmingham, United Kigdom. 
 
Critical thinking
Let's stop and view my parents point of views and my internal stress and anxiety levels as I am planning to tell them, that I will not go to the Spain, instead - I will be going to the United Kingdom, to meet my childhood girlfriend (if I would of told that I am actually leaving Lithuania for a boy, they would of pack my things on the spot and brought back to my home town Klaipėda immediately. Well I assumed that at that time). 
 
So going back to the big 'reveal' to my parents and this old-school typical (arrogant) Lithuanian classical opera singing coach meeting. I believe it was weekend, super beautiful beginning of December in 2009 white winter day at our capital city Vilnius. My parents had to drive three hours journey from the only one coast of Lithuania, Klaipėda (my hometown city). 
 
I was living at that time with artists and musicians in the student house who were studying in "Vilnius Theatre and Music Academy". When I woke put that morning, I was super stressed and I kept repeating to myself - "Now or Never".
"Sandra, you are now a grown up ( at that time I was nineteen ha ha). And if you will not say what you actually want from your future life to your parents now, you will live the life, which you don't want to live." 
 
My parents organised the meeting with the arrogant and a very good opinion having about himself Opera Singing Coach (pardon my critic point of view at that time ha ha) in a typical Lithuanian restaurant in the city centre.
 
Here we are, my parents, the coach and I. My mum as usual is taking the lead and explains how talented other opera coaches believes I am, what difficulties I come across, as a solo performer, what I need to work on, and is asking if he would agree to take me under his wing in Spain.
My dad, being other arrogant male, also adds critical comments, to our Lithuanian government political situation and gains trust of the other arrogant male, and makes a conclusion that my family is very different from "aristocrats". Meaning, whatever you see, you get. No agendas, no bullshit, just black and white. If you are talented in Lithuania and don't have money or you don't come from a "known" family in Lithuania, then you are nobody and you will not succeed even if you will be doing everything by the 'rules'. Especially in classical music and entertainment industry. Please remember, those days - we haven't heard about apple phones as they still haven't been revealed by the software teams to the wider countries as Lithuania.
To give you a perspective, Amazon services in Lithuania was revealed only this year despite the fact, that Lithuania has the best broadband set up from the rest of the World .   
 
Here, four of us are having discussion about by future and everyone already made a conclusion, that the best scenario for me is to move to Spain, but then suddenly the arrogant coach male turned around to me and said to my big surprise:
"Well, I see that that both of you agreed about your daughters future, but may I please ask Sandra on how she feels and what is her opinion about this agenda?". 
 
Suddenly all six grown up eyes turned to me with so many different expectations from me while all this meeting internally I kept telling myself: "Naw or never." 
 
Critical thinking
During this meeting, I was shitting myself that if I will tell my parents how I really want to leave this artistic life, they will drag me to my hometown against my will and I will never meet the boy who I am so in-love already despite never seeing each other face to face.
So I needed a good cover reason, why I don't want to proceed with this "Artists Life" and future education. To be perfectly honest with you, even if I would not be in-love at that time, I would still choose to quit this life path, because I saw the 'ugly' side of this "ARTIST DREAM LIFE".
What side you might ask I saw? Heavy alcoholism, drugs, women who choose to sell their vagina for money and the attitude towards these woman that they are nobody by their "managers". Famous Lithuanian actors, who in real life are depressed and ready to kill themselves despite being famous and charming on the TV. 
I was desperate to leave this path, as in my head, the fame and success of the "Artist Life" is not so successful when you still have your own mental health problems and in this industry, common people treat you as "lucky" and nobody would believe you, that you actually "hate yourself" every day. 
 
In my head, there was no right or wrong path, there was only one path to me - follow my heart. And at that time my heart was in the UK with this Lithuanian boy, who is my husband (for almost 9 years) and my sons (who is 6 years old) father - Mantas Dragūnas.
 
Going back to the meeting after Mr Arrogant Coach question
(My thought just before I reveal my true wishes to my parents for the first time.)
 
"Sandra, this is the time to grow balls and actually say, that you are not going to Spain. Mr Arrogant Lithuanian classical singing coach, you are my hero, thank you. That's it Sandra, naw, naw ,naw you tell it out loud NAW!!!!!"  
 
And here it goes:
 
"Thank you coach for asking, I would like to go and visit the United Kingdom, for a week and visit my girlfriend who lives there. She said, that United Kingdom is amazing, so perhaps after a one week visit I will be in a better position to decide if I would like to join your singing club in Spain". 
 
BIG one minute silence from all three grownups. I naw am also quiet and waiting for a "Big Bang" moment. 
 
Mr Arrogant Lithuanian classical music coach smiles and says:
 
"Well, I see your daughter has a different point of views about her future, perhaps you might have a discussion with her first, and then you can always contact me again if she will actually decide to be part of my leadership in the future. I think she is not only talented, but a very brave and independent young women."
 
After these words, you might think I was celebrating, but no. I saw my mothers confused look and many questions which will follow after the meeting, my fathers surprised smile. Which I thought, will follow in privet with the lecture and accusations "how ungrateful you are for all our troubles to organise this meeting, for you turn around and say, I don't want this. You have wasted our families time and money, because you are selfish". 
 
I now, was ready for any mental punches, to stand up for myself. I was ready for the worst case scenario, but I was super ashamed to let my parents down. So I decided, just to stay quiet until the privet moment in the car. 
 
The meeting finished in a diplomatic way, my mum apologised about wasting the Mr Arrogant Lithuanian classical music coach time. My father made silly jokes, and the meeting finished on a positives. But I knew, the real conversation will be in the car. So I was silently waiting for the massive mental punches, but I promised to myself, that I will lie and I will go the the United Kingdom for a week, to do a personal investigation, if it will be a better path for me to choose and migrate to the United Kingdom. All I wanted was to meet my boy Mantas and then decide what the following lies there would be to back my "intelligent" cover up story.
Thats was my perfect cover up story in my mind, so I would not come across as a stupid little girl, who is super in love and is disrespecting parents hard work and money invested in my upbringing to be an Opera Mezzo-Soprano star, who is singing to the the Queen Elizabeth the Second (the actual words of my mother, when I was deciding in my high-school which subjects I should choose to qualify to proceed with this career path). 
Thats how high my mum was thinking about me. Thats how scared I felt to disappoint my mum, and prove to her that actually I will never be that daughter of hers which she dreams about.
Because I am not good enough, and I am not this talented daughter which everyone else is telling her I am. I hated myself, because I felt a fraud. I felt I am killing my mothers dream and I will never make her proud of me. I was dreaming about true unconditional love and family over career and  reputation, as I felt it is impossible mission for me to sing for the real life Queens and Kings. I am a fraud, I am stupid, little girl from Lithuania, who actually follows a boy who she never met and is ready to risk to hurt my mother forever.
All I was actually dreaming was the common life - work hard, learn, be the best in everything I do, respect others and learn where the people come from. And thats what I really dreamt off, a simple common life. 
 
The big privet moment in the car
Here it is, three of us, going to the car, without saying anything. We sit down - dad in front of the wheel, mum besides him. I sit in the back. 
And suddenly my mum starts to cry and I see how hurt she is, how confused she is, how my words hurt her. Thats what I expected and thats what happened. Now, my heart is broken, now, I bleed, as my worst nightmare proved to be true. I hurt my mother, and finally she knows that I am a fraud.
But from the outside, I am as cold as I can be, not letting my instincts to beg my mother for mercy and say it was just a bad dream. I stay cold heart and not responding to her by my real inside emotions. 
 
And then suddenly, my dad says the following:
 
"Finally Sandra, you are making wise decisions in you life and you are a grown up women, who I always knew you will become". 
 
That moment I was properly confused. I did not have any expectations in my head scenarios, that I will hear these proud dad's words towards me. I did not know what to say. I kept quiet, as I did not know what to say next. 
 
After a little moment or two, he asked me the following:
 
"Now, tell me the whole plan of yours, so we could support you and help you out to pack your bags from the student house, and we could help you to buy a ticket to the UK". 
 
Much more to follow next time...